Let Rituals Find You
by Becky Callahan, parent educator
Last summer I was reminded of the importance of rituals and traditions when our 18- year-old daughter called from her summer work in a fish cannery and asked if she could bring home two friends. She said they would only stay for a few days and ended with "Will you make our blueberry pancakes for them?" The meaning of "our blueberry pancakes" grew as our family activities changed over the years. First dad made them for weekend pancakes, then they became part of the family camping trips and as the girls got older we picked them as a seasonal event. This reflection reinforced for me the importance of rituals and traditions in the family and how they give a shared and necessary sense of belonging and identity.
Rituals and traditions are a big part of many family celebrations. The dictionary defines a ritual as an established or prescribed procedure, and a tradition as the handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, etc., from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice. I like the definition from a reading that said rituals are "the glue that holds the family together." I believe this applies to both terms as a ritual, if enjoyed and practiced often enough becomes a tradition, as it is passed down to another generation and incorporated into a family celebration.
As the winter holiday season gets nearer, we stand even now in the grocery check-out line and get barraged by headlines which advertise gift giving ideas, rituals to create joy in our family, and ways to de-stress our life. It makes me wonder if all this is necessary to our health and well-being. Most of the time I'd like to say "NO" as it just adds more stress to a highly stimulating time of the year for children, but alas, there does seem to be some lasting values in rituals and celebrations for families. The approaching holiday season can also be balanced with the strength of rituals in our everyday lives. This is reflected in the statement from 60 One-Minute Family Builders: "Too often we wait for special events to come along like birthdays and official holidays and then we're rushed. No wonder so many celebrations feel more like obligations."
Rituals give families a sense of security, a shared identity, benchmarks in the week, a sense of mastery, and protection. Security is represented in the moment you change the words to a book and your child says "that is not the way it goes." Children love certainty as it makes a child feel safe when they know what to expect. My teenagers even gave me a hard time when we had to change from a pediatric dentist to a family dentist. My oldest said that it was not the same because it did not have the big bear sitting in the window and they were not offered a balloon. Even teenagers liked the balloons because it was a way to relate to the staff and as they got older they were allowed to put the air in it.
Young children develop their identity in numerous ways and one of them is by feeling that they belong, that they are a part of something bigger and that it surrounds them with comfort, fun and warm, fuzzy feelings. Children feel they belong when they do things like go to grandparents every Sunday, participate in family pictures, make the name cards for each plate at the family gathering, bring the same cornbread to dinners because everyone likes it "so much." etc. We are given something to look forward to when a ritual is a part of every day or week. In our house it was chicken dinner on Sunday evening, the familiar knock on the door when a parent came home from work, and asking "What did you like about your day?' at dinner or bedtime. When a child masters a part of a ritual it gives them a feeling of power and we know how much children like power! Blowing out their candles "all by themselves", being allowed to take pictures with the camera, calling on the phone in the a.m. to tell a parent "good morning, etc. And finally rituals can help to protect children and parents from feeling helpless by giving them something they can participate in together, or alone, and it is still the same: it is clear, has meaning, familiar parts; you can look forward to it. It leaves you feeling connected to something bigger and stronger than just yourself.
Rituals are found in every day events, a special month, a season, in relationship to food, your religion and spirituality, and in sudden creations that emerge from just being together and spending time on a familiar activity. Some that I can remember from my past and present are listed below:
- pictures of the children on the front porch for the first and last day of school
- planting bulbs each fall
- candle light dinners on the "first day" of each season
- a special plate for the birthday person
- the job of decorating the cake being the job of the sibling
- making tissue wrapping paper made at the holiday time and used all year long
- grinding cranberry relish with a new family each Thanksgiving holiday
- our house was one of the host houses for the blocks progressive holiday dinner
- candles were used when we were saddened by a death
- making wishes when we turned out the tree lights each evening during Christmas
- participating in the neighborhood garage sale each year
- putting door decorations on our front door for holidays
- giving orange slices to a special person's birthday
- using the same decorating bow each year on the birthday package
- going out to dinner with the same family on the last day of school
- a trip to the ice cream store after Friday preschool
- planting tomatoes each summer
- going to the same resort while the children where young
- turning the porch light on and off during the Apple Cup for any Cougar points
These and many more rituals developed in our family over a long period of time. They were ones that were combined from our separate pasts, researched in holiday books, borrowed from other families, or even just created because of the fun in a certain moment. As they say "let your rituals find you". If a ritual is a good one, it will be endorsed by each participant and not carried out with resentment or anger. Good rituals also accomplish something worthwhile or necessary and provide that sense of security and continuity. They pass along our beliefs, values and the identity of our family. So happy hunting and gluing!
Resources:
Festivals Family and Food by Diana Carey and Judy Large
New Traditions-Redefining Celebrations For Today's Families by Susan Lieberman
Ritual for Our Times by Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts
Something More, Nurturing Your Child's Spiritual Growth by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick
Teaching Your Children Values by Linda and Richard Eyre
Unplug the Christmas Machine by Jo Robinson and Jean Staehell
Becky Callahan is a parent educator with toddlers, pre-threes, and 3-5's at NSCC and a Child Care Teacher Trainer with Seattle Central CC. She has been in parent education for 19 years, holds an M.A. in Human Development, is Coordinator of the Recreational Therapy Playroom at Children's Hospital, is a classroom teacher, and is a parent of 18 and 21 year old.